Ok, today’s post was going to be about the fun day I had with my lovely friend and her tribe as we adventures to the the Zoo, I was then going to finish it off with a bit about ongoing illness, and how after the sickness bug my body is starting misbehave as it finds it’s equilibrium of torment once again. I have a theory about that, during a stomach bug all the bacterial in your digestive system gets flushed out, I think as part of the build up process after this, my bacteria decide to fuck about until they get put back into their respective places. This means that despite maintaining my gluten free, I’m suffering I started suffering g all the old symptoms tonight, in fact sleep may well be off the agenda 😦
Anyway back on track, remember I’m not making this post about all that (although I may still share some zoo pictures). Just prior to attending bed (as sleep seems unlikely), I came across this article – don’t go to it yet though!
Here’s a little about it first, IMHO it’s one of the best things I’ve ever read about Autism, and I experienced many of the same things. David Mitchell is a well established author, if you haven’t come across his work, you’re sure to have noticed the recent big budget film based on his work Cloud Atlas 🙂
Now the bits he talks about at the beginning (go on you can read it now, I’ll wait, it’s quite a long article though, and be warned, it had me in tears!) where you start to focus on what you don’t have, really resonate with me. I was there briefly. Fortunately I have a good friend (and that term really doesn’t do the guy any justice!), and we had precisely that conversation, it was such a life defining moment, I recall it in detail easily, here’s how it went:
Malinari: Honestly I don’t know what I’m going to do, it just cut me up inside completely to see you and Ryan talking about the fun you had when you went to Football practice together. Well I’m never going to get that, me and Aiden aren’t going to be doing that, honestly it hurts so much to admit that.
Pan sits there staring off into space in that annoying knowing way of his, it’s like he’s off accessing the secrets of the universe, usually he comes back from these deep thoughts and tells what an absolute twat I’m being, and regrettably for me he’s usually right.
Pan: Mal, I look at you and Aiden though, and there’s just something there, let me just put to you like this, only last week I walked to school with Ryan, we’ve done it loads of times, and he always held my hand. Last week he suddenly turns to me and says “Dad I don’t want to hold your hand any more, I don’t need to.” For me that was heart breaking.
Malinari: Right, yeah I can see that Ryan’s really growing up fast, and it’s no longer cool to hold our hand.
Pan: But I see Aiden with you, you’re both always so aware of where each other are. Every few minutes he’s by your side or on your lap and always giving you a hug or a kiss, he’s always seeking you out to make sure things are ok.
Malinari: Err yeah right.
Pan: Well don’t you see it. So you’re not likely to get spend football matches together, Christ my son basically told I was surplus to requirements, and doesn’t want to hold my hand anymore.
Malinari: OK yeah……
Pan: It’s just a matter of changing your perspectives is it, if you focus on what you can’t do you’re not going to be a good father are you?
Malinari: No I guess not.
Pan: Focus on what you have got, and what you will all be able to enjoy. For fucks sake I’m not saying it’ll be easy, but you clearly mean the world to Aiden, and he needs his Dad to be there. So does Paige as well.
Malinari: yeah of course, you’re right, I’m being a tit.
Pan: No you’re not, it’s better to speak about this sort if thing, and remember “when everything’s going to shut and your wading through crap, just keep going”, even if its only small steps.
Malinari: ….. Thanks!

At least that’s how I remember the conversation, it’s entirely possible that Pan won’t remember us having it, but the he’s like that, occasionally throwing out the wisdom of the universe and giving you a metaphorical (though sometimes literal as well) slap in the face.
For me reading the David Mitchell article just brought that whole conversation back in full 🙂
Sincerest apologies to Pan for divulging our conversation, and also for any atrocious spelling or grammar contained in any of the above, I’m not only in pain, but also a little emotional after all that 😉

Odi et amo………..Excrucior

Stay Slinky People,

Poisoner extraordinaire