What’s this? An early post?
Yep, I thought I’d better take the plunge and write this while I feel up to it, the little ones are soaking in the bath and enjoying playing with all the bubbles so even though they haven’t left yet and the day is nowhere near over I think I should quickly write this. Especially as once the little ones leave this evening I’ll be locking myself away and crawling under the quilt, I won’t even need to emerge tomorrow for work as my work week this week has been changed around due to an important meeting I’ve got to attend on Tuesday (so I’ll be doing a half day Tuesday).
Paige was up really early this morning just to be sick, so we’re still virulent with the plague at the moment, but that’s a little but of my woes currently.
I’ve had to make a really bad/hard decision, whichever choice I made was going to end with me in a bad place, so it was a case of weighing up what is absolutely the most important thing for me.
In all honesty there’s only ever one outcome to that question, my little ones. I had to fight long and hard to get the custody I currently have with them (50% of their time), and it’s not been easy to make that work. Because I’ve that I’ve sacrificed a lot, at the very basic level it means I can only ever work part time, so living in perpetual poverty is familiar to me. I gave up a well paid full time job, and a house. However despite all this I have no qualms about it, this is absolutely the best outcome for my littles ones, even without Aiden’s additional circumstances I would still go back and do exactly the same again everytime (maybe that’s just being stubborn and not learning though hmmmmm).
So this has meant I’ve had to choose to walk away from a relationship, to sacrifice the love I had for someone, and my own little bit of joy in order to do the right thing. None of the choices I could have made were workable, the only other viable option involved giving up my mid week days with the little ones. And sure when they’re at school that doesn’t actually add up to much time, but I couldn’t/can’t do that, it’s not in the best interests of my little ones, and I will always put them above and beyond anything or anyone else.
All of this had been very hard to do, it’s meant that basically I’ve had to out myself in the situation of being a bad guy, and cause untold hurt to someone pretty special. I don’t like this role, I’m fundamentally a good guy, all I’m trying to do is be with my kids.
So that’s what all the bad stuff recently (and still ongoing) has been about. I don’t like myself much at the moment, and with illness striking this weekend I don’t feel I’ve been a particularly good parent to the little ones. It was also especially hard to done a suit for charity and act the happy jolly fool for the day. In fact currently this old joke sums up where I am (I know it from Watchmen):

A Man goes to doctor. Says he’s depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain. Doctor says, “Treatment is simple. Great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up.” Man bursts into tears. Says, “But doctor…I am Pagliacci.

So come this evening I’m going to lock the world away and hide for a while………..

Odi et amo………..Excrucior