I’m am acutely aware that this humble blog had very much taken a dark and unpleasant twist in recent months. Now as the editor/contributor/CEO/HR Director/Marketing manager/PR Consultant and owner of this humble little missive I’m happy(?) to report that steps have been taken to remove the slightly bitter edge and vitriolic tang from future posts 🙂
What it all comes down to is that I faced the chasm at work today. Now I’m mostly a very laid back individual, and a major factor in my psychological flaws is a pathological avoidance of conflict. Now feel free to read back over the 1000 previous posts and you may have an urge to refute this claim. Yes there have been some pretty major conflicts I’ve undertaken and chased down, but these things take an incredible toll on me. Everything at work recently has been leading to a big conflict, and I’ve tried taking the reasonable option and playing the nice route, but people haven’t (well those in the position to exact a change) responded, so I guess it was inevitable that things were going to blow up. That very nearly happened in spectacular fashion at work today, yeah I’m aware Im building this up to be a much bigger thing than it probably was in reality, but that only because for my fragile mind and state of being it was an epic thing.
There was lots of frustration and pressure building, the least of which was the inept IT Dept that still hadn’t fixed my email issue, and at one point even emailed me to try an fix the problem………. The problem was that I couldn’t log onto our email system (it’s just outlook, in making it sound much grander than it actually is). So that meant I spent about 2 hours of my day on the phone to our help desk constantly chasing it up as the issue was passed from person to person. Eventually just about lunch time they fixed it!!!!!!! I logged the issue early Friday morning………..
Anyway this meant I ended up with a weeks worth of emails landing all at once, so I overused them before eating lunch and there was one that lit the touch paper of madness, and it is a small and trivial thing, but it was the straw that broke the camel’s (or other suitable beast of burden) back. Best in mind that during my last 1-2-1 I’d pointed out my issues with how the 1-2-1 was and clearly stated what sort of 1-2-1 would really work for me. So there sits this email informing me that my next 1-2-1 will not be with my manager, or any manager at all, but that another member of my team (the one that had been authorising my holiday requests recently). It wasn’t a case of “they’ll be coming along to see what we do” it was “they will be running your next 1-2-1, as it’s a good development opportunity for them”.
Nope sorry I’m not about to sit by and let that happen, I’ve spent time explaining what I want from those sessions and it’s been ignored and disregarded – this doesn’t get my buy in or inspire confidence, and effectively cuts off the 1 line of regular communication I have. Admittedly there was a line added to the bottom of the email that stated if I was uncomfortable with this I should speak to my manager to see about an alternative arrangement………. This was the manage I’d spoken to in my last 1-2-1 explaining what I’d expect from a 1-2-1 and how making the meeting that way would get the absolute best out of me……..
Needless to say the rest must descended and I could feel the anger boiling over. I tried to calm myself by having lunch and reading my book, but I was that incensed by it all I couldn’t actually read the words on the page – I know it sounds strange.
I felt myself caught up in a swirling vortex of anger and I was ready to burst. I closed my book bit my lip and walked over to out head of department ad just about managed to coherently ask if he was able to spare me 5 minutes for a chat. Maybe I had the look of war about me, I don’t really care whatever it was did the trick as it immediately cleared room in his calendar and within 10 minutes we going into a private room.
I just about managed to remain composed, the upshot of my side of the conversation was that I said I couldn’t understand the recent change in my job as the job I now had was the 1 job I’d said I absolutely hated and found utterly soul destroying, however I’d not wanted to be petty about it, and had resolved to try and like it, but after almost 4 weeks I hated every single aspect of it. I also mentioned that I had issues with the team and my direct manager, but that those I could have overlooked if the actual day job wasn’t destroying my will to live (yep I did use that actual term, and pointed out that role played to none of my strengths but all of my weaknesses, so failure was the only option.
To give him his deus he was fair and kindly pointed out that he had been told I specifically asked for that role. I corrected this, and what even better my old manager eventually joined (at our big bosses request), and confirmed everything I’d as well as the fact that she had mentioned this before and couldn’t understand why I’d been out in that role.
Well the outcome is………… Nothing at the moment, however they are looking at a couple of options and maybe arranging a change for me, obviously the unique and limited hours I work are a barrier but things are being looked at.
I felt much better this afternoon, so I’m hoping there’s light at the end of the tunnel. Also it’s worth pointing out that I’ve managed to scupper a web of lies that had (and still was) been constructed about my feeling a for that role (yep nothing I’d said in recent weeks and been passed on). Sure I may have tarnished my reputation, but I figure taking the hit this way is a better option than blowing up and letting the red mist have free reign :-/
Phew that was a test heavy entry today, still that’s part of the fun of a blog, it can be very therapeutic at times, I hope I haven’t bored with my sorry sordid tale today dear reader.
The rest of the week looks good as there are loads of school appointments and child things for me to do, oh and no more days at work this week 😀

Odi et amo………..Excrucior

Stay Slinky People,